Anyone got one million quid?

I was perusing the internet for a sea worthy ship to get a job on when I decided to take a peak at the "for sale" section. Lo and behold, what would fall upon my retinas, but The
Grand Turk!!!! Not only is it a beautiful ship of the line, but it is the one used in the Horatio Hornblower series. yes, you too can sail the channel in search of the french, provided the port authorities approve!
Oh that I had one million seven-hundred fifty pounds sterling; I would put it all in the lap of the Grand Turk's captain and sail off into the sunset with my mythical crew.

One small problem though. In actuality there is only one of me, and where do you find enough people to crew a period 6th rate ship complete with twelve fully functional smooth bore cannon, brigantine rigging, diesel engine, beer taps, accommodations for 16+ crew, 155 passengers, and hand painted figurehead? Below is the Gun deck!!!!!
More over, I'm given to believe that you need to be very skilled in the manual crafts to actually keep the ship in running order.
Above you see the Grand Turk making a speedy get-away. up to 10 knots under sail!!!!
Somehow I don't think the Reformed Presbyterian's would want to hold their youth meetings on a ship for extended periods of time, with a lot of hard work. But hey: maybe I could start a functional therapy school based on sailing a ship. Who needs a full body workout on the bosu when you could go to sea for a week and come back ship shape? I can see it now: The Pride of Grand Rapids, the only great lakes physical therapy ship.

And now, an update from the sick bay:

A few weeks back, I helped make a presentation on Gulian Barre disease. This is any hypochondriacs worst nightmare, as it can happen to anybody, and involves nearly complete paralysis. (More over, it's pronounced Geeyahn Bah-ray.)

Here is an interesting clip of a little dude who is recovering from the disease. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2XpOroifII&feature=related

Looks like Luke's hand is not that far away after all!

Exciting news has just broken at the Y,IHNB I F T M I G O T F, (The: Yes, I Have No Bananas Institute for the mentally sound geniuses of our time and the future).


An exciting development in the field for prosthetics: The ilimb! Not only do each of the hand's digits move independantly, but they are actually useful! You can hold cups and put liquids in them, pick up a brief case, write with a pen, and use your silverware. These may seem like insignificant tasks, but they are impossible if you don't have a hand with working fingers. The tradditional hook/pincer hands are just not going to cut it, and they definitly don't look as cool.


Almost just a s cool, if not more important to normal function is the Cleg, by Otto Bock. The gait normalization is incredible if you have it adjusted correctly! Going down the stairs, running, even dancing are possible!
Just another reason to send the kiddies to robot class and MIT. Heh heh heh....

Oh no she di-nt!

As a rule, whenever you go places, you need to bring your keys. Keys are the main form of entry into many places, like your own house, other peoples houses, buildings of a non-public nature, and even cars.

However, our wandering correspondent seems to underrate the idea of having your keys on you all the time, and got locked out again. Good thing college campuses have security guards who have master keys! Not once, not twice, but some unnamed number of times has our daring correspondent been locked out of houses and cars belonging in part to herself.

The phrase "Hey, wanna come see campus security with me?" is usually greeted with gales of laughter by our correspondents fellow students.

Oh well. At least she usually has bobby pins and paperclips on her person should she need to pick some locks....

On attracting entities of the male gender

Recently, "Daddly", in an effort to rid his house of yet another female, suggested that said female bake some young man in Iowa or Ohio some cookies. The girl thought this was not a good plan as the candidate selected was a complete stranger and he also lived in Iowa or Ohio; besides, cookies just aren't the right bait.

Incidentally, Daddly was not that far off. According to an article in a woman's magazine, the way to a man's heart Is through his stomach. Tips given to "sweep Him off His feet" included

• wear soft materials
• have him stand between you and a guy that is getting "too close". He likes to feel as though he is protecting the "vulnerable" female.
  
• stock your fridge with foods and brands He uses; he will subconsciously feel at home!
• give him a job; ask him to fix or build you something. It will give him a sense of success.
• give him a challenge! Challenge him to a game of darts or play video games, and the friendly competition will get him "juiced".
• cook together: being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you cook dinner a deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating

Well, the resident prude scoffed at this information as one would at dehydrated water in bottles. These tips sound almost like Ian Pavlov's wife on husband conditioning. The tips on food ought to be rephrased as such:

• wear materials that resemble his favorite ice cream or candy (pastelles, browns)
• whenever you serve lunch use a certain endearment. Over a short time, this endearment will trigger increased "eating" hormones. He will begin to associate your endearment with eating and all the warm fuzzy feeling he gets when doing so.
• make sure you reward him for desired behaviors with his favorite kind of food. Try rigging a combination lock on the fridge (which will be well stocked with his favorite foods) and setting up a hidden surveillance camera with a side view. It gives you hours of cheap entertainment as your guy tries to get his beer.

And as to the tips on "challenges"? The other female left in the house complained of challenging guys to a lot of things like scrabble, pool etc. and only driving them off with blushing cheek and wounded ego. Why? Because she is not just challenging them, she is annihilating them in their preferred activity. We will rewrite those ones like so:

• challenge a dude to a friendly (but rigged) challenge! Never win by too much, and if he comes back for more, let him have "the last laugh" so as to avoid deflating him in front of his little friends. You might even try getting him to teach you a game you are already proficient in. He will feel pride in you as his smart chick, and His marvelous teaching abilities.
• Give him a job: dudes like to be useful, but in this day and age, there just aren't very many "manly tasks" to do, like chopping wood or jousting. Try filling some boxes with cinder blocks and having him move them around for you, or keep a burnt out light bulb on hand to create a little "emergency" he can save you from.
  
• have him stand between you and another guy in a bar: when he isn't looking, encourage the interest of the male next to you. You'll be getting double for your money, as you can take a pot shot at that cute chick with the other guy and hold the interest of your property.
  

Yes indeed... Stay tuned for more helpful info! Next week: attracting entities of the female gender, a special report!

(Tips taken from an internet article from "Cosmopolitan", featured on the Yahoo main page. The Y,IHNB Institute does not condone or encourage the perusal of this publication.)

Great Adventures of Our Traveling Correspondant

Having finally tracked one of our wandering correspondents down with the GPS tether we attach to each of them (In a humane fashion involving a tranquelizer dart, glue and a bulky radio collar) Y,IHNB institute for the mentally ill geniuses for our time and the future proudly presents:

Pictures from the GPS device!!!! (The film captures daily life in the subjects environment, allowing us to really experience, first hand, what sort of dangers are threatening the organism. In these pictures, certain relevant discoveries are disclosed from the life of one "troop" of Homoerrectus )

• "Taxes" were the first danger. The correspondent's troop is very good at using tools, almost bordering on a written language. Closer observation revealed that the adult male pictured is actually using numbers! It was theorized by our resident Despis-ed-liberal-payed-off Expert that this troop has evolved a set of pictures in the shape of numbers in order to attract more females. (The more figures, the more females are lured.)

• There was also an interesting use of the single tuft of hair for displays of various natures. The one pictured here seems to indicate an immanent threat.

• Facial expressions are also used to communicate. This particular expression indicates "Are we really lost, and will we make it to Oma's house by next week?"

• From the film we can deduce a very strong affinity for the larval stage of Homoerrectus termed as a "baby". "Babies" rely on their intrinsic and possessed ridiculously high levels of cuteness to survive in the wild.

• One of the babies filmed seemed to have more hair than is usual, thus we can safely announce the discovery of the missing link! (Or at least a random anachronism.)

• It seems that the subjects troop has found that camouflaging the babies as other species, like ducks, lends to an increased survival rate.

• Within the troop complicated mating rituals have developed, involving the donning of certain apparel, extended vocalizations, and distinct patterns of walking. The vocalization used for the ritual sounds like "Wed-dinngg".
  

The Show must go on!

In a world where even tomatoes aren't safe on the streets, little children hunt down their elders, and politicians are studied like primitive races by anthropologists there is one thing that will be forever sacred; one thing that shall remain pristine.


The starving college student.


From the dawn of all education systems, there have always been and shall always be young adults, trying to drink booze in the dry dorms, eating twinkies they stole from one another, missing classes, getting straight A's, being irresponsibly responsible.

In the Hunch back of Notre Dame, Hugo paints a remarkably modern college student, who bums money off his rich brother, spends his book/food money on booze, and lives in filthy, drafty, miserible dorms. Then gets bumped off by the Hunchback, while being a political activist.

Anyway, here's to the students: long my they freeze in the dead of winter and get ripped off by book stores. Hopefully some will survive their "college experience", and actually learn something.